looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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