Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I want a musical about memes.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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