so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
he had hair everywhere except his balls
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone