That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Let's get the cat blown out
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
