So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
