Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
