my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
