Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
