Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize