If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
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The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
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I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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