I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
