dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
