omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
