I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
