The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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