Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
