Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
