I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
