Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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