i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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