Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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