he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
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