There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
