I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
