please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
someone owes me an orgasm
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
