I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I wear drunk well.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
