i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
