I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
How does one acquire holy water?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
