Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
