im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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