i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
