if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.