Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
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oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.