filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
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no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
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dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship