True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's never too late to be topless.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.