You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Less talking, more tequila
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?