If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
