I think im going to throw up on grandma
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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