I cannot find my penis.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
