The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
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A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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