We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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