Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
