I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You ruined the universe
Randomize
