I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
