I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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