So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
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I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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