somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
