You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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