I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
