apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
