i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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