I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
