Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Dear god my vagina.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
