Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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