I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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