she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
