I cannot find my penis.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
