sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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